Making Relationships a Priority When I’m Tired and Everything is Important

By Stacie Prada

I didn’t worry about needing to consider my social life as it related to my health before I was diagnosed with MS.  The downside was I also pushed myself beyond my limits and consequently averaged two exacerbations per year. Unknowingly I was adding stress to my body and accelerating my MS disease activity.

Spending time with friends and going on adventures were something I believed I should be able to do, and I didn’t see fatigue as a symptom of something larger and more serious. I still believe I should be able to spend time with friends and experience adventures, but I now weigh and budget the energy it takes with the joy I’ll experience.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development tracked men for 75 years (and counting) and showed that people with good quality relationships with family, friends and community are not just happier than people without good relationships, they are also physically healthier. They experience less memory loss, pain doesn’t affect their mood as much, and they’re generally more resilient.

As such, I see my relationships as imperative to my future health.  Investing time in my social relationships is not optional.  MS symptoms like fatigue can make it more difficult to build and maintain those social connections.  When work, bills, housekeeping and everyday tasks take more energy than a person has, it’s easy to turn down invitations to social gatherings and become isolated.

Rethinking beliefs:

I grew up believing that school came first and only after you get all your work done can you get the reward of playing with friends. As an adult with a chronic condition that affects my energy level, I’ve learned that this approach feels like constant punishment. It also neglects the human need to have more in life than work. I’ll never have enough energy to do enough of the good stuff I want to do after all the work is done.  To compensate, I pace myself on things I need to do, reduce the effort it takes to do them, and save enough energy for the good stuff in life. Among the good things are spending time connecting with other people.

I’ve heard the saying that to be rich, a person can make more or want less. I translate that as to be more energetic, I can make more energy or use less energy. I can do things that recharge my energy level, and I can conserve my energy by reducing the effort it takes to do things.

I boost my energy by exercising, eating nutritious food, being organized, pacing myself and resting. I’ll conserve my energy by streamlining, prioritizing, and delaying or delegating tasks. Doing these things allows me to feel confident that I’m doing the best I can, and it allows me to feel justified in placing a high priority on fun and relationships.

Prioritize Joy and Relationships:

A terrific method to maximize joy with limited energy is to double up on the benefits by combining things that need to be done with social interaction. I’ll go for a walk with a friend to combine exercise, social engagement, time outside getting fresh air, and time not eating or doing other things I should limit.

If I need to do some shopping, I might go with a friend who can drive and help me find what I need. I make sure to allow time to rest before, during, and after the excursion. It often changes the experience from one that can be draining to one that is invigorating and recharging.

I’ll reduce the effort it takes to participate in social events.  I’ll shorten the length of time I’ll stay, but I’ll still show up. Sometimes I choose events that are easier to do and less physically taxing.  Other times I’ll choose events that may require a lot of energy but are rewarding and worth the effort.  If I love it, I make sure I streamline and reduce other activities so that I can have enough energy to do the one that’s a big deal.

The level of effort it takes to engage socially vastly ranges. I can choose how I want to connect at any time based on my level of energy and the relationship I want to maintain:

  • Text
  • Write an email
  • Write a letter or send a card
  • Call them on the phone
  • Skype
  • Meet for coffee, lunch or dinner
  • Go to a movie together
  • Exercise with a buddy: Go for a walk, hike, bike ride, swim, etc.
  • Go to an event: Attend a concert, museum, or dance
  • Plan an adventure
  • Take a trip, visit family, explore new places with someone

It also helps to explain to the people in your life how MS might limit your activities and that you’ll do your best to stay connected. While talking on the phone with my sister one night, we were having a very engaging and fun conversation when I hit the metaphorical wall.  I interrupted her, “I’m sorry, but I need to go now so I can go do nothing.”  We laughed at the time, and I still crack up that I could say that to her without being rude and without her feelings getting hurt.  It’s important and empowering to recognize when to push myself to be socially engaged and when to quit while I’m ahead.

biking break cropped

*Stacie Prada was diagnosed with RRMS in 2008 at the age of 38. Her blog, “Keep Doing What You’re Doing” is a compilation of inspiration, exploration, and practical tips for living with Multiple Sclerosis while living a full, productive, and healthy life with a positive perspective. It includes musings on things that help her adapt, cope and rejoice in this adventure on earth. Please visit her at http://stacieprada.blogspot.com/

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As a national nonprofit organization, the Multiple Sclerosis Association of America is a leading resource for the entire MS community, improving lives today through vital services and support. MSAA provides free programs and services, such as: a toll-free Helpline; award-winning publications including a magazine, The Motivator; website featuring educational videos and research updates; S.E.A.R.C.H.™ program to assist the MS community with learning about different treatment choices; a mobile phone app, My MS Manager™; a resource database, My MS Resource Locator; equipment distribution ranging from grab bars to wheelchairs; cooling accessories for heat-sensitive individuals; educational events and activities; MRI funding and insurance advocacy; and more. For additional information, please visit http://www.mymsaa.org or call (800) 532-7667.

Comments

  • Tracy Short says:

    How did you keep the friends you had before you got sick? The people I knew felt uncomfortable telling me all the great things in their lives knowing that I had just been suffering at home the whole time they were out living life. I have told strangers about my illness and they couldn’t get away fast enough either. I have tried to connect on MS websites but my profile doesn’t seem to be appealing. I would like to have at least one friend.

  • Jennifer says:

    So sorry Tracy. Wish I could be of more help. But, I too just wish I had one true friend. You know someone to talk to and do things with. I miss that so much. I have started praying for just one friend. Please know I understand your struggles and will be sending prayers up and sending hugs to you.

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