Getting Graphic When You Have Multiple Sclerosis

Young couple looking distressed or angry

Sometimes when you try to communicate with others, your point may be misconstrued, or something may be lost in translation, or you feel that no matter what you are saying the other person just doesn’t “get it.”

In my role here at MSAA, I have heard from many people who are frustrated or disappointed that someone close to them, be it a family member, a friend, or even a close co-worker (someone who they know cares about them), just doesn’t “get” MS. They may not understand the daily or even hourly ups and downs of MS, or the invisible or hidden symptoms you are trying your utmost to manage, or maybe it’s just an expectation that everything should be the same as before your diagnosis, when for you it feels like the whole world has shifted.

No one wants to feel that our friends, family, and supporters are clueless, unhelpful, or uncaring…after all you KNOW they care about you, and that’s why you include them and want them to be a part of your life, and that’s why it feels so wrong when you can’t express your needs or they don’t seem to “get” what it is you are dealing with, or struggling with, or needing.

When words aren’t enough, get graphic…and not in the style of an R-rated movie, but instead embracing that sometimes a photograph, picture, or artwork can help support what you are saying. Even a visualization can sometimes be helpful, for example, “Sarah, I know that you are trying to help, but when you say that it makes me feel like you’re asking me to put a bag with a smiley face on my head…can you picture that? ” If you picture it, a person with a smiley face bag is being asked to hide their true emotions, or even if they express those emotions they cannot be seen by others. Sarah may picture that bag the next time she wants you to turn your frown upside down and be more empathetic to your needs.

So, the next time you feel like words are just not enough: snap a photo of how you are feeling, draw a picture of your thoughts, or give a visual depiction of your concerns. You may find that a visual display is sometimes the bridge that is needed to help your support person really “get it.”

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You’re My Person…

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So in our day to day we sometimes overlook things that are important to us. It’s not done on purpose or due to an act of spite; it’s realistic that things get pushed to the side when we have so many other things going on. In a world such as ours with life going a mile a minute, how can things not go unnoticed? But when you do have time to talk, to listen, and be with someone else, who brings out the best of who you are? Who’s your person? Who is that being you turn to when you need someone to confide in? What is it about this person that makes you feel so comforted in communicating with them?

Every individual is different; thank goodness for that! It’s a person’s quirks, attributes, and strengths that attract us to them in the first place. We like when someone is different from us so they can offer new perspectives on things, but we also like when we share the same interests and personality traits that make the relationship flow so well. We tend to look for connections that will hopefully bring out the best in us – someone to complement our traits and allow the best part of us to shine through. We confide in others when we need to vent, discuss things out loud, and find validation for what we’re going through. It’s comforting to know that someone else is there when we need to reach out.

Your go-to person may be a family member, friend, significant other, or someone else – the relationship title doesn’t make a difference. It’s the communication and bond you share that matters. Family members may drive you crazy at times, but sometimes they’re the ones you’re closest to, without even realizing it. If you are still looking for your ‘person,’ that one who you can confide in and turn to in times of need, take another look; they may already be a part of your life…..

Who’s your person?

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Identifying Communication Barriers

Young couple in bed - distressed and sleeping

Throughout our lives we have all experienced a time or two where a complete lack of communication has occurred and something has gone wrong, whether someone didn’t get the toilet paper at the store, or someone forgot to pick the kids up at daycare. It’s often easy to say that there is a communication problem, but finding a solution or working towards improving communication is a whole other beast to try and tackle.

Identifying that there is a communication problem is the first step in correcting it. It may also be helpful to try and determine the type of communication problem you are having. When specifically talking about relationships and communication, the following are some of the more common communication problems that can be seen:

    • The “assumers”: those who think they know what the other person is saying or thinking, but don’t ask how they are feeling. Most commonly you will hear from these individuals something along the lines of, “Oh, I don’t have to ask him/her, I know what they will say.”
        • By making an assumption about what another person might say or feel, you are closing out the opportunity to have a conversation about a topic.
        • Start by using phrases such as, “Would you like to?” or, “What do you think about…?”
        • Avoid using phrases such as, “I know what you’ll say,” or “I probably already know the answer.”
    • Those that “read between the lines”: these individuals create false scenarios about every possible answer, thought, or feeling that could be occurring in the other individual. Most commonly, these are the “what if” individuals, who you will hear say things along the lines of “when he/she says ____, do you think they mean ___ what if they really think____?”.
        • By creating these scenarios, the individuals are removing themselves and distancing themselves more from the individual.
        • If you are unsure about a person’s response, use some clarifying statements to learn more about how they may really be feeling: “Can you tell me more about that?” or “Help me understand what you’re saying.”
        • Avoid using phrases such as, “I know what you’re really saying is ___.”; this type of statement pushes the other party further away and does not make them feel secure in their responses to you.
    • The “keep quiet and this will pass” type: for this type of individual, it is the complete lack of communication that leads to more issues in the relationship. These individuals choose not to pose questions or speak to their partners in hopes that things will get better on their own.
        • By choosing to not speak up about concerns that may be bothering you, you are sending a message that things are OK, and the things you were hoping would pass may not.
        • Open yourself up with some feeling statements like, “I feel like ___ when you say/do ___.” When focusing on yourself and your feelings, you give the other person the perspective of how they may be influencing you.
        • Avoid using phrases that may indicate blame such as, “You never ask me about my day.” Using these phrases may spark a defensive reaction from the other individual.

These are just a few examples of some of the communication challenges that individuals may face. It can be difficult to think of ourselves as doing something bad or wrong, or in any way hindering our relationships. But I encourage you to look at your current relationships and think about how your communication styles may be influencing the relationship. In what ways can you see yourself making changes? Have you found something that works for you and your partner?

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Who’s in your circle?

After attending a retreat this week for helping professionals, there were a lot of things put into perspective for me. One being that we all need to make time for is self-care in our routines, to maintain a balance between things we must do and things we should be doing for ourselves on a daily basis. But another poignant moment at the retreat posed the question: “Who do you want to bring into your circle?” The circle symbolizes your safe space, the area you’re surrounded by that accompanies you through your day to day. It represents your thoughts and hopes and also your vulnerabilities. So the question that was posed of whom you’d want to enter this space with you or who you’ve already accepted into this space was profound. It’s not often that we are able to take the time to consciously think of those we’re surrounded by and why it is we’ve chosen them to be a part of our lives. Being able to reflect on this was moving.

We go through life at times with certain blinders on. We rush through daily activities and sometimes forget that we’re part of a bigger world, full of other people experiencing similar types of thoughts and feelings, though each unique and different in their own way. Our circles intersect with others, and though we may not realize it, some of us have already chosen whom or what we’d like as part of our circle. They are the family and friends we surround ourselves with, those we let in when we need to connect and feel validated. They are the places we like to visit, the things we enjoy doing most. It can really be anything or anyone; it’s up to you who enters the circle, because after all, it is yours.

Who’s in your circle?

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The Expression of Love

Sunset holding hands photo

Valentine’s Day is a day where we open our hearts and make every effort to shower people with our love.  But for some, the open expression of love is a challenge.  Each individual chooses to share their love in a different manner; some opt for gifts, while others may write poems to express their love.

It is important to understand the ways in which you like to receive love and it’s important to have an open conversation with your partner regarding the ways in which you like to receive love and the ways in which you show your love.

There is a book by Gary D. Chapman called The Five Love Languages.  In this book, the author believes in the importance of being able to express your love in a way that is meaningful to you and in a way that your partner can understand.

Everyone expresses their emotions differently and has a different need when it comes to love.  This book helps to identify yourself and your emotional need, i.e. Love Language.  For example, my love language is Acts of Service; I choose to express my love through the act of doing something for someone else.  If I were in a relationship with someone who needs Words of Affirmation to feel love, the relationship may be stressed because of the differences.

Understanding and knowing your Love Language provides you with a great opportunity to have an open discussion with your partner about your feelings and needs in your relationship.  Take some time to discuss this with your partner and find ways to identify it in your day to day.  Perhaps true acts of love are being overlooked, simply because they are not in your Love Language.

This Valentine’s Day, how will you choose to express your love?

MSAA does not endorse the purchase of any specific product(s). Rather, any brand names are mentioned solely as an informational resource.

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Let’s Get Together: 4 Tips for Maintaining Friendships

Life Balance Diagram Showing Family Career Health And Friends

In a world full of chaotic days filled with busy agendas and routines, it’s difficult to maintain some relationships you hold with others. Promises of “let’s get together” are sometimes broken, not that it’s done purposefully, but at times it’s hard to manage all the expectations in a given day.

Certain tasks are given priority, while others are pushed to the side to wait for another day. This is a realistic expectation in the 21st century; people are just plain busy! So what can rsz_shutterstock_14174770you do to keep the relationship connections going, even if the world is pulling you in all sorts of directions?

Here are some ideas to stay connected:

  • Set aside a specific time during the week that you plan to call or get together with friends/family. Work it into your schedule so that you know it is part of the agenda you plan to keep.
  • If you struggle with remembering plans you’ve made, set a reminder for yourself. Make a note and keep it somewhere it can be easily seen, or set an alarm on your phone for the date.
  • Have the other person contact you! If it’s difficult to remember to reach out, request to have that person reach out to you.
  • If something occurs that interferes with your plans, make an effort to reschedule it as soon as possible; that way, it’s already planned for another time.

How do you stay connected?

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Relationships

“It seems essential, in relationships and all tasks, that we concentrate only on what is most significant and important.”

- Soren Kierkegaard

Relationships have the capacity to be great. They can be fun, comforting, reliable, and strong. I think most of us would agree that while relationships can be wonderful, they can also be challenging at times, just like anything else. Any relationship, no matter the connection—spouse, significant other, parent-child, sibling, friend—each comes with its own benefits and struggles. I know that I can definitely bump heads with my mother from time-to-time on any kind of issue, but I suppose it comes with the territory.

I think that all of us, at one time or another, like to think that we can do everything on our own—to be independent from others so that we can show ourselves what we are capable of. But I believe it’s part of human nature to seek out connections, to find comfort and dependability in another being so that we can feel a part of something bigger. What do you look for in your relationships with others? What helps you make those connections?

 

 

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