Reducing Internal Stressors and the “and, AND, AND” Mentality

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Stress is something that everyone confronts in their lives. Stress broadly falls into two categories – external stressors where another person or entity is pushing you harder and asking for more, more, more (more of your time, more of energy both physical and mental, and more than you can handle). I think everyone is familiar with the external stressors- a school deadline, a boss that keeps piling more on your plate, appointments and activities you need to get to…these can all add external stress.

The other lesser acknowledged form of stress stems from internal pressures. Internal stress arises when you place restrictions, parameters, and deadlines on yourself, where you strive harder and work longer and try to be “perfect” or to be everything you think you can and should be for everyone and more.

I’ll give you an example. The schedule says you work from 8-5 and get an hour for lunch, that is the schedule you are paid for BUT the phone is ringing, and a new project is assigned, and the work is piling up (external stressors) so your internal response is to come in a little early and only take 20 minutes for your lunch breaks and maybe on some days you stay a little later too. Before you know it you are working 5-10 additional hours each week. Sure you are getting the work done but you aren’t being compensated extra, and everyone else is taking their lunch breaks.

Sometimes people use internal stressors because they are motivated by something specific (i.e. if my boss sees me accomplishing so much maybe I can earn the promotion, and some day make it to the corner office) or maybe you love your job and are motivated by what you think you can accomplish (i.e. I’m saving the world one day and one life at a time, GO ME!) but whatever the reason at some point those additional self-imposed stressors will catch up to you. And frankly at the end of the day while your boss might acknowledge all of your hard work it is just as likely that they will raise their expectations of you, so that without a big promotion you are stuck doing all the extra work and if you try to cut back on the “extras” your boss may wonder why you can’t accomplish what you used to!

These internal stressors don’t just apply to the workplace, they may cause anxiety over what you need to do-“I’ve got to clean the house before Janice comes over to visit, but when will I have the time and energy.” If Janice is truly a friend she will understand that life got in the way and that your house can’t always be impeccable. Don’t worry, Janice already knows that you are human.

You may be asking why is it important to acknowledge when a stressor is internal or self-imposed and try to reduce those actions or thought patterns. Stress is well known to impact health. Stress has been attributed to developing or exacerbating changes in mood such as increasing worry/anxiety, but stress has also been linked to physical health including affects to sleep, cognition, and increasing levels of burnout/fatigue. On the more severe end of the spectrum, stress has been linked to heart attacks, ulcers, and has also been correlated with MS Relapses among other health issues. So, while you may not be able to stop your boss from dumping 500 projects on your desk or keep your house in a perpetually spotless state, you can put in place an internal protection system: Remind yourself that there will always be work for tomorrow no matter how much work you do today, and that friends, family, and neighbors don’t expect you to be “perfect.” Finally, let yourself know that it is okay to ask for help when you need it. Don’t be your own worst enemy, prioritize your health and try your best to stop or reduce that internal voice saying and, AND, AND.

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Wait a second, did you get that?

Closeup portrait of cute young business woman

Being able to effectively communicate with others is one of the most basic human needs and functions. Babies and young children cry or throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want or need because they haven’t discovered any better ways to express their concerns or desires. They need to be heard, but they can’t express their concerns directly so they resort to raw emotion and yelling to get their needs met.

As we grow older, we are taught that there is a time and place for everything and that generally when speaking in public (school, work, etc.), you need to do your best to control your emotions and try to calmly verbally address your needs or concerns. For example, in a business meeting while you might feel like rolling your eyes at an inane comment, or may even feel like yelling when your point hasn’t been heard or addressed after asking for the 100th time, responding in either of those ways in a work setting is likely to get you a reprimand at best and unlikely to get you what you really wanted (for example a shorter meeting with highlighted objectives, or a specific problem or concern to be addressed).

These communication issues don’t only happen in the workplace setting as you might have times where you feel like your doctor is just not hearing what you are saying or a relative is being insensitive or un-relatable. When you end up in these frustrating situations, you might have the impulse to cry or yell, and sometimes that might supersede your public decorum, but these also may be good times to evaluate your situation and how you could better try to communicate your need.

So how do you take a step back when you need to make sure something is heard?

You may need to take five minutes before speaking to give yourself time to process a more tactful response. You might pretend you are re-explaining the situation to a totally
Older male doctor with laptop talking to middle-age male patientdifferent person. You may also ask the other person to repeat back to you your concern in their own words, so you can make sure they “got it.”

Feeling misunderstood or like no one is listening can heighten your anxiety, stress, and frustration around a situation. Others can contribute to misunderstandings and miscommunications if they are not being active listeners and receptive participants in the conversation, but try to do your part. Try and emote effective communication. If the other party really is not listening, or you can’t overcome personal barriers, you can try to remediate the situation by going to others with your concerns (in the worst case scenario finding a new doctor or changing jobs…. although I’m told you can’t get a new family).

Can you share your tips for how to communicate better in difficult situations?

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Let’s Get Together: 4 Tips for Maintaining Friendships

Life Balance Diagram Showing Family Career Health And Friends

In a world full of chaotic days filled with busy agendas and routines, it’s difficult to maintain some relationships you hold with others. Promises of “let’s get together” are sometimes broken, not that it’s done purposefully, but at times it’s hard to manage all the expectations in a given day.

Certain tasks are given priority, while others are pushed to the side to wait for another day. This is a realistic expectation in the 21st century; people are just plain busy! So what can rsz_shutterstock_14174770you do to keep the relationship connections going, even if the world is pulling you in all sorts of directions?

Here are some ideas to stay connected:

  • Set aside a specific time during the week that you plan to call or get together with friends/family. Work it into your schedule so that you know it is part of the agenda you plan to keep.
  • If you struggle with remembering plans you’ve made, set a reminder for yourself. Make a note and keep it somewhere it can be easily seen, or set an alarm on your phone for the date.
  • Have the other person contact you! If it’s difficult to remember to reach out, request to have that person reach out to you.
  • If something occurs that interferes with your plans, make an effort to reschedule it as soon as possible; that way, it’s already planned for another time.

How do you stay connected?

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Do something that makes you feel strong

I am not nor have I even been a “gym rat.” The one year in school I did a sport I picked track. Each person had to pick three events. I picked discus, hurdle jumping, and the long jump. Most of my time was spent lounging on the grass with my friends while we talked and let the real runners go around the track (you could only throw discus or do hurdles when the areas were set up).

Nowadays when I read fitness articles about people running marathons or races I am Woman Using Dumbbell To Improve Her Musclesglad for the people involved and happy to hear about them meeting their own goals and objectives. But I know I am no runner and never will be. In fact, running causes me exercise induced headaches.

But here is the important thing, after trying many activities over the years I don’t let the gym intimidate me anymore. While there are things I know I don’t want to do or that don’t make me feel good (i.e. running) I have also found activities which make me feel strong, and competent, and healthy.

Yes, my arms might be the equivalent of small twigs, but put me on the rowing machine and I am a goddess. For 20 minutes on the rowing machine I can glide back and forth and feel l that I am powerful and going somewhere with my fitness.

I have also learned not to let other people’s perceptions impact my choices. For a tiny person I also enjoy lifting. Yes I might max out at lifting 30 lbs., but 30 lbs. for me is really good. I’m not trying to be a body builder, just improve my own health and wellness, so I’m not going to care if I’m the only woman on the lifting machines or that my weight limits are low.

Finding a fitness activity or plan that works for you is the most important thing in maintaining a plan, and by choosing something that makes you feel strong and powerful rsz_shutterstock_4273636 (1)and energized you have a built-in incentive to keep going back.

What activities motivate you?

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The American Way of Life for Women (aka spouse, mother, employee, daughter, sister, caregiver, advocate)

By Cindy Richman

Don’t you all agree something’s gotta give? In the twenty-first century I really had high hopes for my daughters’ and son’s futures. I anticipated serious discussion and change around work/life balance issues. Instead we have one disaster after another at home or abroad, and ultimately the entire US government is shut down! No time is spent on how we particularly as women go about improving the business of living our everyday lives.

If you are like me, you live like someone is chasing you trying to get everything done on time and fulfill the many roles you play from a mother, to an employee, to a caregiver. Expectations can be unpredictable and change may come in a moment’s notice. Your child has 102 fever and you need to get to the school ASAP. You worked late and the dinner you planned will take too long to cook and everyone is already starving. You have MS and you promised your son you would go watch his game, but you worked all day and have to work again tomorrow and you feel like you can’t take one more step.

“So what’s the solution?”, you ask? The solution is different for everyone, of course. The solution is particularly challenging when you are living with MS or loving and caring for someone who has MS. Living life in America today without a diagnosis or even a short term illness is really over-the-top to begin with and then adding MS into the mix is really signing on to be superwoman! One of the simple things I think we can all do right away is to try and take just a little bit of time for ourselves.

Beware, you will really have to make a thoughtful effort to do this because many women put everyone else’s needs first and completely forget about what they need. Even if the time is only 20 minutes or less to start, just begin practicing getting back in touch with yourself and being present in the moment. It could be as simple as appreciating the scent in a garden or reading a few lines of a poem that speaks to you before you hear the sound of someone’s voice demanding the next thing on the to-do list. The unpredictable life continues…

*Cindy Richman is the Senior Director of Patient and Healthcare Relations for MSAA

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Caring for You When You’re Caring for Someone with Multiple Sclerosis

Being a caregiver doesn’t always mean having time to take care of yourself, but at times it is exactly what’s needed in order to maintain your own wellbeing. Yes, it may not always fit into your schedule while taking care of others, but it requires some consideration so that you may carry out these other responsibilities. As a caregiver, self-care means having to make time during the busy day to do something for yourself. For some this is difficult to achieve or even fathom, because the person being cared for is your top priority. But, if possible, you may be able to make minor changes or tweaks to a routine that creates the time and space for this much needed self-care. Though caregiving can be unpredictable due to the changing nature of illness, it is important to take advantage of times where you can be taken care of too. Here are some suggestions to find these moments of self-care:

  • Take rests when they rest.
  • Eat regularly! Eating meals together can have an added quality time component too.
  • Venture outside of the home when you can. Running errands, going shopping, or even just taking a brief walk can provide some alone time needed to rejuvenate yourself (To search for respite resources in your area, see the ARCH National Respite Network and Resource Center, http://archrespite.org/home).
  • Talk! Caregiving can be an overwhelming and emotional journey, so if you have the opportunity to talk or vent about your experiences, do so. If you would like an objective third party to listen who’s not a family member or friend, it may be helpful talking to a counselor/therapist about your experiences in order to safely and effectively express your feelings in this role.

Caregiving is no easy task. It takes a lot of hard work, determination and commitment. So while you’re busy taking care of others, be sure to remember you, and that sometimes you need care too!

 

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Resources for the Caregiver

The role of the caregiver is often described as “the rock” or “the foundation” of the family; the one responsible for the wellbeing of all. But who takes care of you? Just as much as your loved one needs your support, you need support also. It is ok to take a break, and turn to help when you need it. In order to be the best caregiver you can be you need to be well rested both mentally and physically. Being the primary caregiver for an individual with MS can be challenging. The unpredictability of MS itself creates an additional challenge in trying to manage your day to day life.

There are some helpful resources for those in the caregiver role to aid in the management of the daily challenges of caregiving. The Family Caregiver Alliance provides caregiving information and advice as well as a guide to state resources available to caregivers. The Caregiver Action Network offers information and resources to individuals in all types of caregiving situations. The site helps to identify the various needs that caregivers may express through their varying roles.

Another great resource directed specifically towards spousal caregivers is the Wellspouse Association. They coordinate a national network of Support Groups and facilitate a Mentor program. And when the time comes for a break, the National Respite Network provides a National Respite Locator to help caregivers locate respite services in their community. The site also helps to educate caregivers on how to find and choose appropriate respite care.

With so many resources available to assist the individual in the caregiving role, now it is your time to take a break and be the best caregiver that you can be.

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