Giving, thanks, joy, togetherness, festivities. If you were to see these words, you would most likely think of holidays throughout the year and perhaps picture a happy family, a crackling fire, and laughter from a Hallmark movie.

So, what happens during or after a holiday when you are left feeling defeated, overstimulated, or even just…empty?

While I do believe that the rhetoric around the holidays often bring those picture-perfect feelings to mind and puts me and many others in a good mood to enter the holiday season, I also believe that it is just as likely that it may make many of us feel guilty or “wrong” if we don’t feel that way, even for a moment. But pushing away those less-than-pleasant emotions out of fear will only lead to overthinking and potential emotional burnout. Instead, try validating your emotions and seeing if there is anything that they are trying to tell you. I will use myself as an example:

Because my spouse cooks Thanksgiving every year (it is seriously out of this world), we request our family to come to us during this time. While we live in a smaller apartment, our kitchen is the biggest and has all the tools my spouse uses and needs for the meal. I look forward to it every year after missing the family. So, the first time we hosted, and I felt burnt out and wanting to seclude myself away, I was riddled with confusion and guilt. My family had done nothing wrong, and we were having a lovely time, so why? I had just been counting down the days until their arrival, so why was I suddenly longing for it all to be over?

It was laughably simple. Six people staying in a two-bedroom apartment.

We still wanted to host, so I had a deep look at what my negative feelings were trying to tell me. Even though everything in me wanted to just move on and tell myself to get over it, that obviously wasn’t working – so, I really looked at what I usually try to avoid.

Guilt– I was feeling guilty for everything. A dirty plate or napkin was in view? “Terrible, I am so sorry I didn’t grab that.” Someone grabbing a drink? “Oh my gosh, I am so sorry I haven’t offered you a thing!” And then the silent guilt of wanting my kind and loving family to leave. After sitting with all of these thoughts and feelings, I realized I didn’t really think it was all my fault, rather, I was overstimulated and putting too much pressure on myself to keep everything perfect for people who absolutely did not expect that of me. Instead of feeling obligated to make six people’s plates and trash disappear immediately, I tried to take the trash out often and run the dishwasher plenty to lessen the stress of things piling up, and my amazing family always helped!

Annoyance– I was getting annoyed or frustrated at the smallest things. A happy laugh echoing “too loud”, or talking while we were watching a movie, even tripping over a shoe (plot twist: it was mine!). None of us are the type of people that demand a perfectly clean house, and I sure didn’t keep a perfect home when we didn’t have guests. So, I sat with it, moving past the guilt of being annoyed at people who loved me. It turns out I wasn’t annoyed at them at all. The feeling of wanting everyone to be gone and to get it all over with had me realizing, maybe I don’t want them to LEAVE, I just needed space. Instead of trying to work and spend all my free time together in the main room, I stayed in my own space until my work was done and I wanted to socialize. During the holiday itself, I would take breaks in another room to decompress or take my dogs on a walk to get out of the crammed space. It didn’t have to be long, sometimes I took my dogs to the nearest bench and just listened to the outdoors until I felt ready to go back.

Anger– I will be brutally honest; this one was most often hunger. Going to a holiday market or other family activities? Most often they will only have sweets and drinks, meaning you will either stay hungry or have an insane sugar crash as you leave. Pack a snack! Preferably high in protein!

Grief– There are so many types of grief. Maybe someone you care for is no longer there. Maybe you’re nostalgic for holidays past, or ones that never even happened. (Yes, it is possible to be sad over times you wish you had, of course it is.) This one has no tip, cure, or rationale. Grief only requires you to sit with it, acknowledge it, and – if you can- show it the same kindness you would a friend. I promise you will understand yourself just a bit better.

There are so many emotions that we feel, and many of them can help us, if we just learn how to take a moment and listen.