As an anxious child, I often felt the need to plan for every worst-case scenario or consequence, not only for myself, but for the actions of those around me. The best way I could describe it was as having thoughts and feelings that were constantly at 0 or 100, with no other level in between.

Another symptom of this was something I think a lot of people can relate to- a massive need for “people pleasing.” I think there is a misconception among us people pleasers that the only alternative to making everyone happy is to be outwardly rude or antagonistic. Sometimes, it feels like those are the only two options.

What I think is hard to come to terms with is the massive amount of emotional effort people pleasers carry with them every day, in every interaction. It truly feels so normal that when it starts to become detrimental to ourselves, we don’t think of that as being a reason why. Here is an example: You and a friend are standing outside, and they remark about the cold weather. You instantly offer them your coat, insisting that you’re fine – warm even, and spend the rest of the time hiding your shivering. While some of us may think of this as a gesture made from consideration and kindness, the best thing to do would be to suggest a warmer place to go together. Helping yourself before helping others can also apply to this scenario as not hurting yourself to help others too.

The methods that have helped me most in recovering from this stressful cycle is practicing validating my own thoughts and opinions, as well as practicing taking a breath before offering something or responding to a request.

I still struggle with this issue sometimes, but thinking back on my younger self, and all the stress she must have carried with her, I think she would be so proud of how hard we worked to both respect ourselves and understand our needs.