By Meagan Freeman
Sometimes, I avoid social contact because I fear that I might need a helping hand from my friends due to my MS issues, whether that might be a simple door being held open, or help with bags. This need for assistance keeps me from interacting at times, and I realize that I may not be alone in my feelings. This fear of dependence might keep us from enjoying our friends and family, and this is not something we should ever allow. I detest feeling dependent on others, especially my close friends and family. In fact, one of the first thoughts I had after my MS diagnosis was: “I refuse to be someone’s burden!”
There are little things that happen each day, my inability to open a jar, my inability to drive at night, my fatigue in the afternoons. Then, there are larger issues such as my ability to earn a living the way I used to, the missed children’s football and soccer games due to heat and flares, and the emotional impact this is having on my husband and children. How do you cope with this loss of independence? It is almost inevitable that this diagnosis goes hand in hand with increased dependence on others.
The MS patients I have met in the last few years are just like me. Have you noticed that? Most of us are very strong, stubborn, independent individuals who feel just as I do. I find myself feeling guilty every time I have to ask for help. Apparently, this is my life lesson, my challenge, my big obstacle to overcome.
As I examine my motivations and feelings more closely, I realize that a lot of these feelings are purely my ego. I gain self-esteem from being independent, and I always have. I have had a constant little voice in my mind throughout my life asking “would I be okay if I lost everyone I know?” My answer was always a resounding: YES! However, now I realize that this was not a healthy mindset. Now, I have much to lose.
In the past, I mistakenly saw my lack of dependence as strength. I thought that because I had nothing to lose, I was untouchable emotionally. No one could ever hurt me if I did not care that much. I needed nothing from anyone, and I liked it that way. Boy, was I wrong.
We need to feel supported by others. It is a basic human need.
The question then, is: How do we do this? How do we accept our small (or large) losses of independence? My answer is that our loss may actually be our gain.
When we ask for help we:
1. Show that we are trusting of another human being.
2. Show that we are in need at the moment, but not forever.
3. Develop a bond with another human being.
4. Form the foundation of a long, connected relationship.
5. Create an opportunity to help someone else in the near future.
How great would that feel? To know without a doubt that your friend/spouse/caregiver/family member will always be there for you, no matter what? This is what I gain when when I lose. I may need a hand opening my next jar, but I have a lifelong bond with my spouse that is strengthened each time I need a hand.
Do not mistake needing help for weakness, or independence for strength. Strength comes from building a strong relationship with those closest to you. This is where our true strength lies. Socializing is an important part of our lives, and MS should never stand in the way of enjoying activities with those we love.
*Meagan Freeman was diagnosed with RRMS in 2009, at the age of 34, in the midst of her graduate education. She is a Family Nurse Practitioner in Northern California, and is raising her 6 children (ranging from 6–17 years of age) with her husband, Wayne. She has been involved in healthcare since the age of 19, working as an Emergency Medical Technician, an Emergency Room RN, and now a Nurse Practitioner. Writing has always been her passion, and she is now able to spend more time blogging and raising MS awareness. She guest blogs for Race to Erase MS, Modern Day MS, and now MSAA. Please visit her at: http://www.motherhoodandmultiplesclerosis.com.