I’ve already written this blog post once and I’ve decided to scrap it. This is a page one rewrite. My initial post was preemptive. I was writing about something I had yet to experience and now I’m on the other side. Isn’t it funny how much we can project onto something that is yet to be? Better to live in the present, but what a challenge that is for me.
Our topic this month is self-care, and my ultimate self-care starts with a 20-year desire and ends in a goldfinch. On Friday the 13th I got a tattoo of a goldfinch on my forearm. It’s not my first tattoo and probably won’t be my last, but this little guy is the most meaningful to date. The goldfinch is a symbol of finding happiness in challenging times. It is seen as protective, devoted, persistent, and carries good fortune on its wings. What more could you ask for in a little cheerleader when you’re living with MS? It may seem strange that I consider this new addition to my skin as self-care, but I can’t honestly think of a more direct way to honor and treat myself.
For twenty years I’ve thought about how I wanted to be brave enough to embrace the artsy alternative girl dressed in black and for twenty years I kept her mostly at bay. She made appearances here and there- dyed black hair, mostly black wardrobe, funky glasses, quirky art, punk bands, tarot cards, etc. During that time, I put a great deal of pressure on myself to be the person who would make my family proud. It’s only now, at age 38, that I’m realizing that I need to first make myself proud. I don’t need to live in my head about who I want to be and the choices I want to make, especially now that I’m living with MS. I already live with so many unknowns about my health. I have so little control over my fate with my body (as we all do ultimately). My goldfinch, my self-care hero, is a symbol of my control. He’s looking up at me, reminding me that I have now and in that now I choose to be fully me.
The purpose of sharing this with you is to encourage you to talk to your inner self and be honest with what you want. Place value in those wants and find your inner goldfinch – the harbinger of light in the darkness. Embrace that light, be brave, love yourself fully, and surround yourself with people and experiences that bring you joy. None of this is easy, but isn’t it often the case that nothing that brings true joy ever really is?
