By Lauren Kovacs

This is kind of a touchy sticky subject for many. Depression is often brushed aside like sugar from a donut. We see it on the table and we brush it onto the floor.  It might be out of the way for the moment, but you only moved it.

MS has so many issues.  For me, I knew when the MS was changing and I could not deal.  I was losing control of my own body.  I went from a college athlete and very active to a total mess, after 18 years.

I was very angry.  I felt lost.  Something snatched my body.  Smashing plates helped, but then trying to replace the dishes I broke was too hard.

I started seeing a talk therapist and I talked a lot.  Just letting me have diarrhea of the mouth helped me cleanse my soul. Trust me, the mudslide was thick.

After about a year of just surfing the talk therapy wave, I was ready to try a tiny bit of medication.  I am not one to turn to medication, but daily crying was too much.  I was drowning in a mess and that was 100% not me.

I tried one anti-depressant and the heart palpitations and rage were so bad that I refused to try another. Six more months of daily crying was messing with my hydration. In addition, it took too much effort to apply eye make up only to then cry it off.  I agreed to try another, reluctantly.  I am very stubborn.

This particular one worked. It was just enough to help me attack the day. Before I take it, I notice I have a very defeated attitude.  After I take it, I am back in the game.  Put me in coach.

Symptoms of depression are complex, like anything with MS.  Anything weird warrants a mention to the doctor.  Telling mine was not easy. I did not like telling her about my dish smashing, but I know my “what’s the point?” comment helped her understand.

Medication or therapy may help; they may not. I find MS to be very trial and error.  What helps me may not help another, but most MS people will try something new.  Any “snake oil,” as my husband calls it, might work a bit.

Be open to telling someone your pain.  Be open to maybe trying something.  I was locked in a battle with depression that I did not have to fight.  Take a deep breath and evaluate.

Try and hold onto the MS wave.  Your body may need a bit of help.  I now have to wear a life vest in my own pool.  Yet one more thing MS took was my ability to swim.  I was depressed by this fact.  Now, it is a challenge.  I attack buoy-training head on.

Depression comes and goes with the ebb and flow of MS.  Don’t let it go, if something is getting you down.  You might need a life vest.  It can be embarrassing to need some help, but it is better than drowning.

MS folks live with constant loss.  Loss can be depressing.  I went from 60 MPH to about 10 MPH.  Going from a flashy sports car to a busted up jalopy is frustrating.  Mourning the loss of self is sad.  It can be tough to find yourself in the mud-sidle.  Keep looking.