The Things That We Remember

Memories are a weird thing. They can invoke this sense of nostalgia and transport you to a time when you were a pirate sailing the seas and pillaging villages from the comfort of your backyard. Or remind you why you avoid scary movies thanks to that aunt who made you watch Child’s Play.  When you were a kid… alone… in the dark (I still don’t forgive you!). But memories are tricky. We can find ourselves either remembering something as better or worse than it actually is Continue reading

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Keep it Romantic

By Lauren Kovacs

I am, by no means, an expert on romance or dating. MS is more fact. It does not have bubble shaped hearts floating around. More of a mean Cupid thing.

I married a guy from my church. We met at 17 years old. I was not officially diagnosed until I was 21, but had symptoms at 16. I was the little blonde cheerleader and he was the big high school jock (different schools).

High school sweethearts. Let me barf, I know.

I did well early on. MS did not stop me. MS behaved for the most part the first 15 years.  MS lived with US and not the other way around.

My husband knew the heat and fatigue were issues. I was active with our three sons and did Irish dance, clogging, and figure skating. I only stopped because of pregnancy. MS was locked up back then.

Fast forward. My youngest was in preschool and things began to change. I opened up to him and it was just too much. His active wife was starting her descent. The MS pit is dark for everyone.

Work and family life were a lot for him. Dumping my MS garbage on him was not working.  I clamped up and bottled it. Not smart. There was only so much room in the bottle. It held evil MS air and not some wonderful magic genie.

Fast forward again. The youngest is 7 and the pressure in the bottle starts to leak. I can’t handle it. I knew I could not unleash on my husband. I really needed help. The talk therapist helped a lot.

Now, I can hardly walk. He knows I can no longer write, sew or paint. He and my sons know I need to be near a potty at all times. He sees me struggle. We don’t really play “what if.” We are mostly one day at a time.

I read books and took the marriage personality test. I had taken a similar test when we did our marriage classes. I knew I needed to dump on someone other than him.

He came to his acceptance of MS on his own terms, in his own time. Like most MSers, acceptance comes in time. I am so very blessed. Lots of MSer’s spouses bail. Pressure comes from all directions with MS. Many relationships require slow tweaking when MS is the 3rd wheel in a relationship.

Step into the other person’s shoes. What if you watched your spouse’s slow decline.  It does take a very special person. MSers are special and they deserve a special person.

A disinterested third party is key to keeping the flame lit and keeping the wheels running smoothly.

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Dealing with Symptoms of Depression: Sports Car to a Jalopy

By Lauren Kovacs

This is kind of a touchy sticky subject for many. Depression is often brushed aside like sugar from a donut. We see it on the table and we brush it onto the floor.  It might be out of the way for the moment, but you only moved it.

MS has so many issues.  For me, I knew when the MS was changing and I could not deal.  I was losing control of my own body.  I went from a college athlete and very active to a total mess, after 18 years.

I was very angry.  I felt lost.  Something snatched my body.  Smashing plates helped, but then trying to replace the dishes I broke was too hard.

I started seeing a talk therapist and I talked a lot.  Just letting me have diarrhea of the mouth helped me cleanse my soul. Trust me, the mudslide was thick.

After about a year of just surfing the talk therapy wave, I was ready to try a tiny bit of medication.  I am not one to turn to medication, but daily crying was too much.  I was drowning in a mess and that was 100% not me.

I tried one anti-depressant and the heart palpitations and rage were so bad that I refused to try another. Six more months of daily crying was messing with my hydration. In addition, it took too much effort to apply eye make up only to then cry it off.  I agreed to try another, reluctantly.  I am very stubborn.

This particular one worked. It was just enough to help me attack the day. Before I take it, I notice I have a very defeated attitude.  After I take it, I am back in the game.  Put me in coach.

Symptoms of depression are complex, like anything with MS.  Anything weird warrants a mention to the doctor.  Telling mine was not easy. I did not like telling her about my dish smashing, but I know my “what’s the point?” comment helped her understand.

Medication or therapy may help; they may not. I find MS to be very trial and error.  What helps me may not help another, but most MS people will try something new.  Any “snake oil,” as my husband calls it, might work a bit.

Be open to telling someone your pain.  Be open to maybe trying something.  I was locked in a battle with depression that I did not have to fight.  Take a deep breath and evaluate.

Try and hold onto the MS wave.  Your body may need a bit of help.  I now have to wear a life vest in my own pool.  Yet one more thing MS took was my ability to swim.  I was depressed by this fact.  Now, it is a challenge.  I attack buoy-training head on.

Depression comes and goes with the ebb and flow of MS.  Don’t let it go, if something is getting you down.  You might need a life vest.  It can be embarrassing to need some help, but it is better than drowning.

MS folks live with constant loss.  Loss can be depressing.  I went from 60 MPH to about 10 MPH.  Going from a flashy sports car to a busted up jalopy is frustrating.  Mourning the loss of self is sad.  It can be tough to find yourself in the mud-sidle.  Keep looking.

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Wellness is a Big Puzzle

By Lauren Kovacs

Wellness is as broad as MS itself.  It is a never-ending struggle for some kind of wellness.  It haunts most of us like a persistent poltergeist.  Little pieces fit into the MS puzzle and you need them all.

We all try and latch onto any floating debris. We ask, “What if it helps?”  There it is, the dreaded, “What if?”  Always try it; it might work for you.  Turmeric is a decent life-ring for some, for example.

It is really hope we cling to, in the end, no matter how small. Routines and eating well are obvious pieces. Many of us find reducing gluten and sugar helps.  The jigsaw puzzle of MS wellness is huge.  Someone’s failed try might be someone else’s small victory.

One piece I have found to be golden is mental wellness.  We all need to vent.  I have a talk therapist.  I dump my MS garbage on her, poor dear.

A disinterested third party is great for me, mentally.  I am a talker.  I can talk your ear off.  With recent MS stuff, talking is work. Ok, I sound drunk.  My brain wants to release, but by the time the flow gets out it is a muddy mess.

Unloading on your spouse puts a big kink in your marriage. Talking to a friend helps, but it has to be the right friend. Talking to a family member might not work either.

Many people are not equipped to carry the burden of listening to our MS struggles.  So, we put on a happy face and move on.  Eventually our bag gets too heavy and explodes or leaks.

A trail of MS juice follows us, if we ignore it.  It drips from our backpack with every step.  Wellness calls for us to find a way to lighten our load or patch the leak.  The MS backpack is a permanent fixture.  We can never take it off.  Wellness of any kind is a welcomed Band-Aid.

Talking to someone helps me feel better.  I can trip over my own words or smear them as they come out.  I need the release at times.  Friends might hear complaining and family might get annoyed.

Wellness is a puzzle piece.  Trying to smash it into the wrong place won’t work, no matter how you turn the piece.  Mental wellness is personal, and very important.  You have to find the best way you can to slide that piece of the puzzle in.  A Cadbury Crème Egg helps too.

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