By Doug Ankerman
The holiday season means it is time to hunker down into my wheelchair and face the Christmas hustle and bustle at seated-eye level.
Yes, Christmas shopping is all the merrier from the seated position. (Now I know why Santa is always sitting down!)
So with my list in-hand, let’s roll to the mall and purchase our “gifts of joy”……because nothing says “you are special to me” MORE than a shiatsu massaging cushion from Bed, Bath & Beyond.
Come on in
My first hurdle is just getting into the dang store!
This entrance at Sears is clearly marked “handicap accessible,” yet, there is no button to open the door. Forget the wheelchair, I quickly realize my “handicap” is trying to get into the place!
Usually, another courteous shopper will be nearby to help hold the door for you…..but this is Sears. I’ve seen ghost towns with more foot traffic!
Seasonal spirit
I’ve noticed store clerks and other shoppers are extremely helpful when you are in a wheelchair. They go out of their way to assist you. I figure, they feel bad because this guy has wheels for feet. That’s why I am always “over-the-top” positive when in my chair as I try to dispel the “woe is me” wheelchair image.
The squeeze is on
Shopping in a wheelchair can be tough battling crowds and parking — but the real challenge is in the aisles.
The squeeze is on as you try to fit between the displays for house slippers, glittery turtlenecks and NutriBullets.
Here’s an aisle that would be a tight fit for an anorexic fashion model — let alone a wheelchair!
Going through there gave me greater appreciation of birth.
Caution: Stay Back
Finally, from a seated position, you tend to get an in-your-face view of everyone’s backside.
Gluteus I-Maximus. I’ve seen butt cracks that make the San Andreas’ fault seem like a fine line.
Hip Huggers scream “uncle” in mercy. I saw a jeans tag I gotta believe was triple digits! If denim was an animal — the species would be extinct!
And from my box seat, it is not only “seeing is believing”…no, you see, I get to enjoy the “sounds and smells” of the season as well, if you will. Let me put it this way, no one claims to eat the holiday fruitcake, but someone is — and I am caught in the cloudy, odoriferous haze that follows.
Through crowds, long lines, charge cards and gift receipts…wheelchairs or not, we muddle through to finish our holiday shopping with moments to spare. Just enough time to catch our breath before we gather with family & friends — AND gear-up for our December 26th visit to the stores to return our house slippers, glittery turtlenecks and NutriBullet, right? May you have a tremendous Christmas holiday!
*Doug writes about MS and other nonsense with a humorous twist at myoddsock.com.
