By Suzanne Marriott
Being my husband’s caregiver throughout his years of living with MS taught me a great deal. I discovered hidden internal resources and developed new skills that stretched my understanding of what I could do.
Through embracing the challenges of caregiving, I learned to trust myself to do what had to be done to care for my husband, Michael, despite my self-doubt and lack of experience. For example, in the latter stages of Michael’s disease, I learned to accomplish procedures that only an RN could comfortably do, such as administering IV medications and changing his Foley catheters while maintaining a sterile environment. As his condition worsened, Michael came to trust me more and more, and I was able to ensure that he received the right medical care and the right follow-up—from me.
Though I developed new confidence in myself and in my ability to meet the challenges of caregiving, I was not immune to making mistakes. Fortunately, I was able to take my mistakes in stride, though not without regret, and I was able to learn from them. Over the years, by building upon past experiences, both positive and negative, I became more knowledgeable and able to respond appropriately to new challenges as they occurred.
My compassion for Michael increased over my time as a caregiver as did my compassion for myself. As being his caregiver became more complicated and stressful, I hired a wonderful woman who helped me take care of Michael. I recognized my need for help with understanding rather than guilt, and because I wanted the best for my husband.
More than ever in my life, I turned to my dreams and spiritual practices for insight and direction, and they served me well. I paid careful attention to the archetypal figures that appeared in my dreams. On one occasion, I dreamt of a strange goddess. I saw a young woman who had been enchanted; eyes had appeared all over her head and in her long, dark hair. She was beautiful. I sensed that this dream was showing me that my awareness was increasing and that I was becoming more conscious of my nurturing feminine energy with the intuition and collaborative power it brings. Goddess figures offered me insight into the importance of power with as opposed to power over and guided me in working collaboratively with Michael, paying attention to his fears and opinions as well as his needs.
Powerful masculine figures in my dreams helped me develop the assertiveness to effectively deal with the medical system when it wasn’t working in Michael’s best interest. On one occasion, Michael was in the hospital with a recurrence of aspiration pneumonia, and after several days he still was not responding to treatment. I asked his doctor, Dr. Palmer, to confer with the doctor who, earlier that year, had successfully cured Michael of aspiration pneumonia. It seemed to me that the treatment that worked before might do so again. Dr. Palmer refused to contact this doctor, who was located in another hospital in the same system. When he switched Michael from IV antibiotics to the oral form, I knew he was doing this too soon. I expressed my concerns, but the doctor abruptly informed me that he knew best. End of discussion. Well, I knew differently.
I had to find the assertiveness and faith in my own judgment to fire Dr. Palmer. It wasn’t easy for me to confront the doctor, but I felt compelled. Fortunately, I was able to find another hospital doctor who was willing to take Michael’s case. He readily agreed to consult with the doctor who had treated Michael previously, and one of the first things he did was to put Michael back on IV antibiotics with a new combination of drugs. At last, I felt reassured and could relax in the belief that Michael was once again in good hands.
In addition to dreams, other spiritual pursuits helped me become a better caregiver. For example, consulting the Medicine Cards brought me Native American wisdom, and my continuing involvement in Tibetan Buddhism helped sustain and direct me. As time went on, caregiving became a vehicle for my personal and spiritual growth that points the way for me still.
It’s amazing how necessity can teach us new behaviors and foster a new belief in ourselves. With love as our guide and caring for a loved one as our purpose, there is no limit to what we can do. What have you learned in your own journey with MS?