Good Confidants Can Handle the Tough Stuff

Posted on February 17, 2021 by MSAA

By Stacie Prada

Our relationships affect our health, and our health affects our relationships. Our health and our relationships evolve over time as each person ages and life chapters change. These are simple and obvious facts, but I find them to be something I need to remind myself periodically.

Living with a chronic and progressive illness like Multiple Sclerosis complicates the issues to tackle and the dynamics to navigate relationships. As my body changes, my focus always shifts inward. Is this symptom new and temporary, or is it a small indication of worse things to come? What do I need to do differently now, and what might it signal for my future?

These are important questions to consider. Identifying symptoms, possible treatments and available resources are crucial for navigating the physical aspects of chronic and progressive diseases like MS.

In these times, I try to stay logical and pragmatic. I try not to overreact. I try to work through my fears and frustrations in a healthy way that doesn’t impact anyone else. They don’t ask me to keep it to myself, but it’s my natural preference. Unfortunately, the agitation and worry usually seep out, and those close to me sense it.

Stacie Prada relationships on her blog post Sharing the Tough Stuff

It takes a lot of self-awareness and acceptance to disclose when my body isn’t working well. Usually, I’m still trying to get a handle on what it is and whether it’s significant or not. I’m still trying to analyze and monitor the changes. I often am not yet ready to share, because I’m hoping things might improve and there might not be anything to share. This means those close to me experience the consequences of my changing health before I even realize I’m stressed and irritable.

My confidants have excellent skills for showing curiosity and support while not pressuring me. Sometimes unknowingly, they help me manage my feelings, my fears and my frustrations. They hear me, believe me, don’t compete with me, and share themselves with me. I see their grace when I deflect or shut down an inquiry. These are the people to keep close, because they’re willing and able to help me. When I see them hesitate or gently back off, it’s my signal that I should share what’s bothering me.

Yet, I still hold back. While it’s silly to think saying things out loud will make them worse, it’s exactly how I feel. If I share that my legs hurt more and my coordination is worse, it means my fears of becoming disabled are warranted. It means I’m becoming disabled.

I’m seeing disability with MS can be a slow, gradual and very invisible transition. It appears to me that I will be greatly affected by my disease before anyone sees me with a mobility aid.

I’m going through this life with MS, and the people close to me are going through this life with MS with me. Some made my life harder, and I’m fortunate to no longer rely on them. Others have proven to be healthy and respectful, and they are my cherished relationships. They check in, they ask how I’m doing, and they back off when they see I’m not up for saying more. It’s not until I open up and share the invisible changes I’m experiencing that they can really go through this with me in a way that helps me cope.

Having a body slowly and progressively deteriorate is an isolating feeling. It takes effort to explain and not complain. I get sick of living with MS, and I get sick of being tired of it. I want to be low maintenance and easygoing, but this disease is one that requires constant coddling and accommodations for my body’s needs. It takes a lot of time and effort to do the physical tasks that are needed to manage my MS symptoms, and it takes tremendous effort to challenge the negative thoughts that come from having a chronic illness.

I haven’t found the secret to skipping the irritable phase. I’ll notice I’m grouchy, and I try to override the temptation to lash out. Sometimes I do well. I keep my mouth shut and go for a walk or do yoga. Sometimes I reveal my bad mood in my tone or curt responses. It’s moments like these when I don’t feel like I’m being as nice as I’d like that I hope to avoid or get through quickly. Often the best I can do is give myself a timeout and tell those around me that it’s not them. My goal is to be able to feel pain without lashing out and seek connection to help get me through the feelings of uncertainty and frustration.

Once when I was going through an especially difficult time, a friend wrote in the sympathy card, “We’re hurting with you.” It hit the right nerve, and tears along with a sob came quickly. I was feeling very alone, and having someone succinctly address it allowed for a cathartic feeling of connection. I know the antidote to feeling powerless and alone is sharing with those close to me. It doesn’t fix my problems, but it lightens the emotional load I’m carrying.

If I can be truthful and forthcoming with the people who have my back, and if I can be a source of support for their challenges, I think we’ll all fare well. The best relationships can handle the tough stuff.

*Stacie Prada was diagnosed with RRMS in 2008 just shy of 38 years old. Her blog, “Keep Doing What You’re Doing” is a compilation of inspiration, exploration, and practical tips for living with Multiple Sclerosis while living a full, productive, and healthy life with a positive perspective. It includes musings on things that help her adapt, cope and rejoice in this adventure on earth. Please visit her at http://stacieprada.blogspot.com/

The Importance of Valuable Relationships

Posted on February 8, 2021 by MSAA

Relationships. Just how important are valuable relationships? Do they really matter? In the current state of the world, in the midst of a global pandemic, are relationships still relevant? Short Answer? Absolutely!

Relationships are important because they bridge the connection between people. They are the essence of humanity and are vital to the mental and emotional health behind the human experience. It is the connection between two individuals that can lead to happiness and success in a person’s life. This very reason is why it is so important to have valuable relationships.

Whether it be a relationship with a parent, family member, or friend, relationships are important because they satisfy the human need to connect. Important relationships also provide an additional perspective to your own thoughts and can help get you out of emotional slumps. I’m thankful that throughout everything I’ve encountered in my life, I’ve had valuable relationships to help keep me encouraged and moving forward.

Valuable relationships can also give you that much needed “second wind.”

Friends, there might be times when you want to give up. There might be times when you can’t see a solution to your current situation. In those discouraging moments, reach out to a friend or a loved one for an additional perspective. It is in those additional perspectives that you can find great hope, strength, and encouragement to keep pushing forward. It is in those additional perspectives that you will find your “second wind.”

Valuable relationships are super important in more ways than we realize, and holding on to them is a must. Friends, I want to encourage you to stay connected with those valuable relationships in your life. Reach out and stay connected with your loved ones. You will find yourself much happier, and your mind and body will thank you.

Sisterly Love

Posted on February 5, 2021 by Angel Blair

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, this time of year usually makes us think of candy hearts and bouquets of flowers and mushy love songs. But aside from the romantic relationships that usually dominate this holiday, it’s also a good time to think of the other bonds that we value and find important in life. Our connections with others are something to treasure now more than ever, so it’s nice to think of the other relationships that mean so much too. For me, I value the relationship that I am fortunate to have with my sister.

Growing up we bickered and fought just like typical siblings do. We had times where we didn’t like each other but we still loved each other cause ‘we had to’ kind of thing. But as we grew older, we started to appreciate who the other was and learned more about them. Now we look back and realize how lucky we were to have one another. Our other siblings were close in age but older, and while we were all close and grateful for that, my sister and I formed a bond that has strengthened to this day.

My sister is a wonderful mother and talks about having more children because she wants her son to have a sibling with whom he can have the same type of bond that her and I share. As our family has sadly lessened over the years, we’ve grown increasingly grateful for those we are still blessed to have, and I am thankful for her every day. She listens without judgement, loves unconditionally, and knows my quirks, fears and hopes. My sister is always there, and I would feel lost without her. She’s a fun reminder of our childhood and is someone that I can reminisce with to share memories of family and good times.

If you have a relationship in your life that you value and cherish, be sure to let that person know it. You don’t have to say it every day, but once in a while let them know that they are important to you and what your connection means. It’s nice to share this sentiment with the people in your life who matter the most.

Nurturing Relationships After Holiday Gatherings

Posted on December 18, 2019 by MSAA

By Stacie Prada

Family relationships are hard. I look back at decades of immediate and extended family holiday gatherings, and I notice what has changed and what seems like a given. Long-held disconnects or resentments lie beneath the surface and feel ready to erupt at any moment.

Consider as mere mortals, it’s rare to be perfect in these moments. I’ve left family gatherings spending huge amounts of time thinking about Continue reading →

The People Who Surround Me: Those I Keep and Seek

Posted on March 22, 2019 by MSAA

By Stacie Prada

As I age, I’m getting more intentional about who I spend time with and how I shape interactions. We can’t always completely avoid people who drain us, but we can shift how we approach our interactions. We can’t always spend enough time with the people we love, but we can shape our relationships to maximize our joy and connection. A lot of our daily lives involve acquaintances who with a small amount of attention can become friends. Our friends and family won’t always have the skills or perspective to meet our needs, but we can find circles of friends who will fill the gaps.

People who drain me: If I can Continue reading →

Relationships and MS

Posted on March 4, 2019 by Angel Blair

Relationships can be hard work. They require unwavering amounts of attention, maintenance and commitment. And though they can come in all different shapes and sizes, all bonds have their share of ups and downs and all-arounds that can drive people crazy. It’s the process of weeding out the beneficial, encouraging relationships from the negative, toxic kinds that is so important. Yes, relationships can be hard work. But making sure you’re putting the effort into the ones that are rewarding and worth your time is the difference.

You’ll find that some relationships Continue reading →

Dating and MS: Loving and Risking Heartache

Posted on February 20, 2019 by MSAA

By Stacie Prada

I used to feel such relief that I was married and didn’t need to be out in the dating world. It sounded horrible, and I enjoyed having my relationship set with the expectation there’d be no divorce. Then I started having health issues and was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis after 15 years of marriage.

When a married person is diagnosed with MS, the rate of divorce is about the same as the general population, but the gender disparity is enormous. A study by the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center¹ found that Continue reading →

Relationships and Multiple Sclerosis

Posted on August 28, 2017 by MSAA

By Ashley Ringstaff

Living with multiple sclerosis is life changing for the person diagnosed, but it is also a change for our loved ones as well. I often tell people that my loved ones “Live with MS” also, because it is now a part of their lives for the long haul. It’s a learning experience and modification time for all involved. Things change when we least expect it as well, that will need modifications along the way. Meaning, if we relapse, new symptoms occur, etc.

I can honestly say that when I was first diagnosed that I pushed people away, especially my husband. I was only 22 at the time of diagnosis, and I felt like I didn’t want to make him deal with this at such a young age as well. Luckily for me, he is very stubborn and didn’t allow me to push him away, and for that I’m grateful.

There were people close to me at the time of diagnosis, which I no longer associate with. It was not my choice to no longer be friends with them, but things happen. It hurt, to have people abandon me at such a crazy time in my life. I understand now that not everyone can “handle” multiple sclerosis, even indirectly.

The state of mind I had when I was first diagnosed – I was very depressed, as well as angry. I couldn’t even tell you which emotion I was feeling more of at that time. They were pretty much dead even, but one would be more prominent at times, depending on the situation.

Many people, including myself, will tell you that you find out whom your true friends are when faced with such a life-changing event. I’ve made new friends since my diagnosis, and I have come to tell people straight off the bat that there will be times that I have to cancel last minute on plans, or I can’t give a 100% answer on if I can go to an event or not, because it all depends on other factors. Is the event outside, is it very hot outside, etc.

If you’re reading this, and you are in a relationship with someone that has MS, please be patient, especially if they are newly diagnosed. For those of you that are friends with someone that has MS, in a relationship with them, related to them, etc. Please be patient in general. Also, take the time to try and understand what we’re going through as best as you can. It makes it easier for us to vent and talk to you, when you have some sort of knowledge about multiple sclerosis, and how it affects us on a daily basis.

I have a friend that I don’t get to see as often as we would like, but she still texts me or calls me just checking on me… seeing how I’m doing… Do I need anything? I can’t even being to explain to you how much that means to me, and to many others living with MS. Just having someone there for us, it can mean the world.

For those of you that have been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, you are not alone. You have so many of us out here in the MS community that will be there for you and talk to you, and just let you vent… we may need to vent in return. I’ve had so many people message me on social media, and are so glad that they have someone to talk to about this illness, that “get’s it”. Also, know that those around you might want to be there for you, but they just don’t know how. You need to let them know what they can do help you out, or even suggest some things they can read, etc. I know it’s easy to isolate ourselves, to avoid people leaving us in the long run… but then you have no one there for you in the end.

There are so many resources out there that offer ways for you to build relationships with others living with MS in your local community, online, etc. Here is a listing of the organizations apart of the MS Coalition, click here. Here is another listing as well, click here.

Whatever you are feeling and/or going through, it is never ‘wrong’. You have the right to feel certain ways, and we can’t control the way MS affects each and every one of us. We are all affected differently, but we are all in this together. I can honestly tell you that many people that I’ve spoken to with Multiple Sclerosis, want to hand out the “MS &Things People Should NOT Say” list to their loved ones, and other articles I’ve written on MultipleSclerosis.net. There is also a list my good friends and fellow writer, Cathy Chester wrote called, “What People SHOULD Say to Someone Living with Multiple Sclerosis.” This is a good article to read for the friends and loved ones of someone living with MS.

I hope you enjoyed the article, and please feel free to reach out to me on my Facebook page if you ever just need to chat.

*Ashley is a 29 year old from Central Texas, that was diagnosed with RRMS in August 2010, at the age of 22. She is a mom of two boys and loves to read & write in her spare time. Ashley is a blogger for MultipleSclerosis.net, you can view her blogs here. Her writing is mostly written with a sense of humor and personal experiences.

The Not So Good Relationship

Posted on August 14, 2017 by Angel Blair

Keeping with the theme of relationships on this month’s blog inspired me to do a little Googling into different relationship topics and recent news to see what’s been trending lately. I actually found several pieces on toxic relationships and help in how to recognize these. Usually when people think about relationships the mind doesn’t tend to go towards the dark side necessarily, but the truth is there can be a lot of toxic parts to a relationship that some people don’t even notice sometimes. Often, people believe their relationships look like other’s relationships; everyone has their ups and downs and not-so-fluffy cloudlike days and this is normal. This is true, but when the relationship is in that darker side of the clouds more often than not, it’s something to address.

Psychology Today recently posted about how to recognize toxic people and relationships, and it’s not always easy. In a relationship, sometimes the people involved have blinders on in order to see what they want or need to see in the other person; it’s only natural. Everyone has flaws and no one is perfect, but there are some toxic traits that can’t and shouldn’t be overlooked. Things like selfishness, disrespect, and arrogance are all signs that point towards a potentially harmful toxic relationship. The post also mentions these other red flags as potential signs of a toxic bond:

Lying
Being unapologetic
Manipulative
Abusive
Narcissistic
Spiteful

Examining one’s relationship and trying to recognize red flags is not easy. It can be overwhelming and sometimes shocking to realize that the relationship is causing more harm than good and if it’s contributing to stress and negativity. Sometimes these bonds are ones that can’t be severed so easily either, especially if they’re with family and loved ones. This is why it’s so important to surround yourself with positive energy and loving relationships whenever possible, and taking a step back from the ones that aren’t is sometimes necessary. Reaching out to others for support, seeking therapy, taking time for self-care and self-love are actions that can help combat toxicity. Everyone deserves to be respected and to be in relationships that nurture love and support; anything else is unnecessary distress.

Relationships are…

Posted on August 4, 2017 by MSAA

Dear No One,

Relationships are tough. I mean, I know I’m stating the absolute obvious to you when I say that, but just hear me out. We too often think of relationships in terms of just those we date or are romantically attached to. But relationships are more than that. We have relationships with our family members, our friends – hey even total strangers we strike up a conversation with on a train platform. And they all can be taxing and draining, hard to navigate and at times annoying. They can be stressful and expensive and not just in terms of money but in emotional investment and mental space. If I’m being honest, people can be the worst. I mean really, look around and you’ll find plenty of examples of reasons why we should not like people. Just look at what they do to each other and you aren’t immune if you know someone. People can hurt the people we know just as much if not more than the people we don’t. You see what I mean, relationships… they’re totally insane!

But then things happen like the other day when it was raining and I stopped at a light and I was annoyed by the day and by the rain and by just everything and I caught out of the passenger window a woman walk up to someone on a bus stop and offer for them to share their umbrella. Just out of the blue walked and stood near them and the person, startled by the sudden end to rain pouring onto their head looked up and then over and with a look of bewilderment cracked a nervous smile and tilted their head. And the woman smiled and the light turned green. Or when I went for a hike not far from my house yesterday evening and saw a dad picking his teary kid up off the unsteady hiking path. Just lift them up into his arms and as sure as the grass is green and the river moving told them that everything was going to be alright, they just took a little stumble. Things sometimes happen like the police officer who is called to a house to investigate a possible concern and ends up comforting a little boy who’s all alone or a teacher who has struggled to get a new student to be respectful and listen, gets an email from a foster mom saying thank you and that she’s seen a big difference at home even if there hasn’t been a big difference in class.

Relationships are tough. They’re messy and difficult. They’re taxing and at times confusing. They take a lot of energy and effort and thought. You spend time worrying if what you said was too much or too little, if you are being too intrusive or too standoffish. You rack your brain with what if they don’t understand or don’t laugh or don’t come back. And all of those are possibilities that we face and can leave little pieces of us chipped off. But being in relationships also make us richer, fuller and more colorful. They make us smile and laugh and become more caring. They make us understand and see things differently and open up. They’re tough, don’t get me wrong, but they’re also worth it. They’re worth saying Hi to the person you meet at the airport and worth smiling and asking how they are doing of the cashier at the grocery store. They’re worth reaching out to people we’ve been thinking about and worth letting those in who we’d otherwise keep at arms length. They’re worth replying to the community post someone started about feeling alone and worth getting into even if it doesn’t end the way you’d hoped. Relationships are worth it and I guess since they are…maybe people aren’t so bad after all.

Affectionately,

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