Anger management Archives - MS ConversationsMS Conversations

Sometimes life can be tough, and we may have to hear feedback that we don’t want to receive or work through challenging situations we don’t want to encounter. Like when the school says that your child is just not able to do what other kids can, or when your boss says that you are not keeping up to the standards the workplace requires, and if something doesn’t change soon, they’re going to have to let you go.

It is never easy or pleasant to deal with times where your “actions” or a loved one’s “actions“ are not “measuring up” to the expectations of what is required in a situation. This may occur when a real issue arises, i.e. if you are a nurse you need to have the ability to properly measure medications, and not doing this in a proper way can lead to major harm, or if your child needs a specific educational plan of action and you don’t get them help, it could be a big disservice.

Alternately, these types of situations can occur when the other person has a different “measuring stick” than you do, like if your old boss understood that you needed to take an afternoon break to be recharged and on your game for the rest of the day, but a new boss is inflexible and slams your work performance for taking a break. This type of situation can lead to major frustration and anger on both sides of the coin. The new boss has a different measurement they are using for success.

So, when it is not just a situation you have to own up to or seek support to overcome, how do you get the other party who is using a different measuring stick to see reason? First, check your own thought process by bouncing the situation off of a trusted friend, family member, or co-worker. Do they agree that you are being reasonable, or do they bring up good counterpoints for you to consider? Second, check for any formal supports or avenues for recourse. This might include documenting this situation and your concerns, or seeking out formal supports. In this workplace scenario, it might include talking with HR and asking for a formal workplace accommodation. It may also include you documenting your work actions more carefully or capturing feedback from clients or co-workers about your work to allay concerns presented by the new boss.

Not every difficult situation can be resolved, especially if neither person can compromise or shift how they are measuring success. You can do your part by being proactive in trying to see how the other person is viewing the situation, and trying to present your own views and insights in a clear and rational manner. Sometimes even simply acknowledging that you are looking at the situation from two different vantage points can allow enough of a bridge to achieve some type of workable solution.

Being able to effectively communicate with others is one of the most basic human needs and functions. Babies and young children cry or throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want or need because they haven’t discovered any better ways to express their concerns or desires. They need to be heard, but they can’t express their concerns directly so they resort to raw emotion and yelling to get their needs met.

As we grow older, we are taught that there is a time and place for everything and that generally when speaking in public (school, work, etc.), you need to do your best to control your emotions and try to calmly verbally address your needs or concerns. For example, in a business meeting while you might feel like rolling your eyes at an inane comment, or may even feel like yelling when your point hasn’t been heard or addressed after asking for the 100^th time, responding in either of those ways in a work setting is likely to get you a reprimand at best and unlikely to get you what you really wanted (for example a shorter meeting with highlighted objectives, or a specific problem or concern to be addressed).

These communication issues don’t only happen in the workplace setting as you might have times where you feel like your doctor is just not hearing what you are saying or a relative is being insensitive or un-relatable. When you end up in these frustrating situations, you might have the impulse to cry or yell, and sometimes that might supersede your public decorum, but these also may be good times to evaluate your situation and how you could better try to communicate your need.

So how do you take a step back when you need to make sure something is heard?

You may need to take five minutes before speaking to give yourself time to process a more tactful response. You might pretend you are re-explaining the situation to a totally
different person. You may also ask the other person to repeat back to you your concern in their own words, so you can make sure they “got it.”

Feeling misunderstood or like no one is listening can heighten your anxiety, stress, and frustration around a situation. Others can contribute to misunderstandings and miscommunications if they are not being active listeners and receptive participants in the conversation, but try to do your part. Try and emote effective communication. If the other party really is not listening, or you can’t overcome personal barriers, you can try to remediate the situation by going to others with your concerns (in the worst case scenario finding a new doctor or changing jobs…. although I’m told you can’t get a new family).

Can you share your tips for how to communicate better in difficult situations?

Tag Archives: Anger management

Measuring Success

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